Dinner With the Clones

My friend Laura asked me to her birthday dinner last night. We hadn't hung out in a while, so I told her that I would go.
My mistake.
It wasn't that bad. It was just weird. I felt like I was from another planet.
I show up at the restaurant, and immediately feel...well, overdressed. Despite the fact that it was fifty degrees outside, Laura and all of her friends were wearing pants/jeans and skimpy little camisole tops. No sweaters, no coats. They were wearing what looked like jammies!
Her friends were all blonde and size three. No, that's not true, two of them had brown hair.
They all knew each other. I knew no one but Laura. They were all talking about what happened the last time they went to the bar. And then they passed around pictures of nights at bars. Then they talked about what bar they were going to later. And the bar after that.
I felt very old. And fat. I left early, before bar time. I just couldn't take any more of it. Probably because I couldn't tell any of them apart...

Thanksgiving

We had Thanksgiving dinner early.

I am thankful for many things in my life.
I am thankful for my partner, who loves me pretty much unconditionally. She goes above and beyond the norm with each and everything she does. When she spends all day cooking, then cleaning, with three whiny kids (one of whom is ill) underfoot, and manages to make it to bed without biting my head off for being a lazy fat-ass who sat around after I got off work and did nothing but play on the computer for the rest of the day...well, I'd give her a raise if I could.

I am thankful for my children. My youngest, who drew me a picture of "ladies and potatoes", and after giving me love, tells me (sounding very satisfied with herself) "I gave you two hugs and two kisses." As if that could ever be enough. My oldest, who is starting to develop her own sense of style, which just plain freaks me out. She wants to wear this weird black hat, and pink tinted sunglasses, and told her father on the phone this evening, "I don't know why, I just really like the color black!" Then there's my middle child, who, during during dinner, announced, "Please call me Ariel the Mermaid." And when I asked Ariel what she was thankful for, she said, "My daddy, King Triton. And my hair."

I am thankful for my friends, who still invite me to go out, even though I never call them anymore because I'm always at work. The ones who feel free enough to tell me when I am being a bitch. (They're usually right.)

I am thankful for my sanity. I am thankful that the funny itchy rash on my stomach hasn't gotten any larger. I am thankful that my landlady is updating the insulation in the attic and my energy bills will go down. I am thankful that my family is healthy and happy.
I am thankful that I am finally tired enough to go to bed...

Maybe Ramblings

Maybe the thought of it should still sicken me.
Maybe I have a wierd "issue" that I don't want to face. Or even contemplate.
Maybe the thought of
ugh, I can't even go on.
Maybe it excites me and I am honestly confused about why. Bewildered, even.
Maybe it's a scientific thing.
Maybe it's a past-life thing.
Maybe I don't want to talk about it.
Maybe I don't want to think about it.
Maybe I should go to bed.
I should stop worrying about my words. My words are my own. And words are just that. Just...words.
It all seems really simple when I put it that way.
I'm probably going to delete this blog entry later. I will go over it someday when I get the time to update this and wonder "What the fuck was I on?"
Maybe.

With All This (My MasterCard Commercial)

So I have been noticing some things lately.

With my increased income comes more bills. How does that happen?
Well, I can suddenly afford to send my little one to ballet, and my big one to gymnastics. That's eighty bucks a month right there. Then they needed leotards and tights and stuff. About $40.
But the sense of feeling my children are well-rounded and talented at something? Priceless.

My exhusband decided to get himself a lawyer and fuck with custody visitation issues. I'm about $954 in the hole to the lawyer that I had to hire in order to make sure I didn't lose my kids to some dumb technicality. But imagining the look on my ex's face when he found out I wasn't going to just lie down and take it? Priceless. And oh, so worth it. Even if I'm going to be paying my lawyer in monthly payments for the next 3 years. It might actually turn out better than I hoped, because my ex had to declare his income and place of employment, which means <gasp> he might start paying child support! See how excited I get at that? A woman should not have to get excited about child support.

Since my income went up, my food stamps have gone down. Which means I have to budget money from my paychecks into my food budget. Which is just a pain in the ass, to be frank. Do I use the "real" money for groceries first, and then food stamps? Do I use all the food stamps first, and try to buy generic until the next month? Thank heavens for the free lunch programs at the elementary schools, I tell you what.

I have very basic bills. I don't have cable TV. I don't have a car payment. I don't have credit card bills. I don't own a cell phone. We don't go out to eat a lot. I have a slight shopping obsession, but I can justify it right now because what I'm buying is for Christmas.

So I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never get to go back to school to learn something useful. (An AA degree in English just doesn't pay the bills.) I'm resigned to the fact that I will have to keep my job forever. Which makes me wonder if I really want to do that for a long time. Sure, the money is good. But will I be happy in the long run? I've been contemplating having another child, but who is that really fair to? Or unfair to?

You know what though? I'd give up all that extra income just to have the bills paid and to keep those ballet and gymnastics lessons. Nothing extra. No fancy dinners or new clothes "just because". Just to know that I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, and my little golden-haired girls dancing around in their leotards would be enough for me.
Priceless.

Things People Said To Me At Work That I Had No Response For

"I was going to buy these organizers from a catalogue, but then they put you on their mailing lists and you never get off of them. I hate junk mail, don't you? (silence for a couple of moments and then she looks around behind her.) I hope they're not following me!"
female customer, about 40 years old

"The flag is hanging down on one side. I spoke to someone yesterday about it. You need to get that flag fixed!! It's hanging down!"
male customer, very upset about the askew American flag, about 50 years old

" You really shouldn't do that stuff right here here in the open."
male customer, noticing the white grout powder on my countertop, aged about 40 years