Sunday, January 06, 2008

Δεν το συμπαθώ

I am not finding this pregnancy to be to my liking. That's a nice way of saying that I really don't love it. Heck, I'll be honest. I don't even really like it.

My other pregnancies were different, I really enjoyed them. So what if I was 17 with my first? And had a cheating drunken husband the other? Is that why it's different? I'm older? More out-of-shape? Testosterone floating in this unborn Boy Child, whereas my two Girl Children and I were blissfully floating the estrogen sea?

I dunno'. But, for lack of a better term, it sucks. Here, let me tell you all about it, since it seems I've been suffering some creative block lately.

First Trimester: I'm nauseous all the freakin' time and I never throw up. I nibble on crackers all day long, and as a result of this carb overload, I gain a singnificant portion of my total weight gain. My breasts are huge and painful in an omg gethtefuckawayfromthemori'llkillyou kinda' way. I cannot handle the least bit of sugar. I've never been a really big sugar eater, but I sure notice when I eat "too much", and that is just about everything. A soda. A piece of candy. I feel my glucose levels soaring and dipping with each meal or snack I eat. I am uber-emotional and I cry and I cry over everything. I am exhausted. I am not tired, but just plain worn out. Walking across a parking lot is more than I can handle some days, to do something that requires more, like grocery shopping? Nuh-uh. The bouts of "holy shit what am I doing having another baby at this point in my life" talks to myself are broken by sonograms of an...alien thing. Yes, it is a baby, but....not yet. I am pushy and demanding and I don't take any shit from anyone. I yell at strangers at the gas station who piss me off. I am brisk with coworkers and clients at work. Strangely enough, they chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. I go through two bottles of Tums.

Second Trimester: By god, first day into it I feel better. Day two into this trimester and I am still feeling good. My energy? It's back. I am able to walk around with friends and The J's and trick-or-treat on Halloween. Sugar levels are balancing and don't seem so noticable. At about day five I stop marvelling at how damn good I feel, I just go with it. I feel normal again. My breasts are still huge and sore, but tolerable most days. My ass has almost doubled. My feet swell and look like puffy bread rolls. Sonogram picture shows a penis, which is what we want, what we long for to complete our blended family. I don't have cravings, except for ice to crunch, which has been with every pregnancy. The cold crunchy ice satisfies me like nothing else. I drive my coworkers nuts with the crunching. I have to pee all the time, which the ice does not alleviate. I buy my Tums at Costco.

Third Trimester: This is now. I am feeling tired again, I want to come home and take naps. I am grumpy and emotional and I cry. I am constipated and my legs cramp and I get heartburn from absolutely nothing. I feel heavy and turning over in bed is a chore, as is getting up five times a night to pee and dealing with my cat who will get up on the roof and then forgets how to fucking get down. This baby is twisting and turning and kicking and wiggling and it annoys me sometimes...but when Husband puts his hand on my belly and talks to Boy Child, my annoyance melts away. Three more months of getting bigger and peeing more and then the thought, the reality of actually giving birth again...I am considering tubal ligation, because I never want to do this again. My family will be complete.