One day, the floor is clean, shiny mopped and empty of everything but the bathmat. Same with the next day. And the next. But then the day after that? That day is different. That's when Brokemom meanders throughout the day doing whatever it is she does, and then...leaves an article of her own clothing....on THE FLOOR! It obscures the bathmat. You can't see the shiny mopped floor! Brokemom promises herself that she will pick it up later. "It's only a shirt/panties/pants/skirt/whatever in the hell else ends up there" she thinks.
Something strange happens over the next two days. The clothing article on the floor where you used to see the bathmat seemes to be...multiptying. Breeding. Making little dirty-laundry babies. Soon there's a pair of panties and two dirty children's socks. A belt. A towel. These things are not Brokemom's, she only dropped one item for later. These forgotten items belong to someone else. Two someone else's!
Brokemom has to put down the law. "No more dirty shirt/panties/pants/skirt/whatever in the hell else ends up there" she says to the two. Brokemom will take away privileges if she has to!
Over the last day, the floor emerges triumphant. Shiny mopped and empty of everything but the bathmat, the floor will, for the next few days, be a new chance to live like a dirty slob.
J2 wanted to know if she could visit The White House. I told her no, and I would google it for her so she could see how far away it is. Lo and behold, up came a map with an address and a phone number. I told J2 that she cannot visit the house that is white, but she could call it! So we called The White House. And when somebody actually answered, we were both to freaked to say anything. I thought we'd get a recording, not an actual person.
All babies are not cute. You know I'm right, so hush up. We all think that "my baby is the cutest baby." Well, not mine, but yours. Ours. You know what I mean!
While perusing blogs I come across many many MANY photos of people's children in random poses/costumes. These photos are captioned with "Isn't he adorable?" or "What a Cutie!" or "Next Top Model". Okay, I haven't seen that last one, but I betcha it's out there.
My problem is this: we all think our kids are the most adorable freakin things ever. Some of these kids though, are not the most adorable thing ever.
And I wonder....I think my son is pretty damn good looking. But maybe I'm reaching.
1. Hummis I think hummis tastes yucky. I had a friend whose mother made it for a dinner party when we were twelve. Bleh! Or was that curry? No matter, I don't like curry either.
2. Hermit Crabs These things freak me out. Seriously freaky icky creepy-crawly goosebump type of freaky. I hate the way the legs/claws poke out of the shell when you pick them up, I hate the way they crawl along the bottom of their home. I know they are harmless. I am not a squeamish woman. I like snakes and spiders, mice and fuzzy kittens. Oh wait, who doesn't like fuzzy kittens?
3. Hands-free Cell Phone Devices I bought a Bluetooth compatable device when the new cellphone law went into effect. I got the salesman to turn it on and mess with my phone and make it "go". I haven't used it at all, but only because I couldn't get the damn thing to stay on my ear. Were my ears mutated? They must be, I've been trying to get it to stay on my ear since July! J1, in all her infinite tween wisdom, showed me how to wear the damn thing in the car the other day. I was doing it all wrong. And it took an eleven year old to show me.
4. HandJobs No, wait. I don't mind those. I was just on an "H" kick.
5. Fast Food Restaurants That Charge You For Condiments I get endless joy from making the drive-thru workers at Wendy's run my card again for the measly THIRTY-TWO CENTS they charge me for a sweet and sour sauce. The ELEVEN CENTS at the McDonalds. The world will be a sad, sad place when Taco Bell starts charging for mild sauce. It's coming...
6. Commercials That Get Louder I'm watching a show at perfect volume. Then a commercial blasts onto screen and I have to scramble for the remote to lower the volume, which means when the show comes back on, the volume is all fucked up. Doesn't my television have a setting for this?
7. When My Children Play the Wii I don't actually mind that they play it, I just dislike the "ohmygod she told us to wear the wriststrap again" look that they give me. If the damn remote flies into the tv, I will be pissed. It will only take one time.
8. Hazelnut Coffee Creamer Hey, another "H" item. Coffee creamer that tastes lik nuts is yucky. Nutty. You know what I mean, don't pretend as though you don't.
Once Upon A Time, I was a Welfare Mommy. I put myself through college and became a Welfare Worker, all while keeping my sardonic sense of humor in check. Then I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, quit my job, and now stay at home and raise three kids, ages 17, 13, and 6.
I can cook but can't "throw something together", I want to clean but procrastinate, but most of all I want to find myself.