Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Nobody read this, so I am done for awhile.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Irrational Fears

*When I replace a lightbulb, I am fearful that while screwing in the bulb, it will spark and pop in my hand, my upturned face.
So when I change the lightbulb in the hall or bathroom, I turn my face away while turning the new bulb. My pulse speeds up and I almost get clammy.

*I don't like beds that are on frames. There's just too much space between the floor and the mattress. As a child, I would run from the doorway and leap onto the bed from as far away as possible. Nothing is under there. Too much nothingness is the problem.

*While driving on a road with guardrails, I imagine the wheel jerking to the side. My truck veers and crashed through the rail, and I am plunging to whatever lies below. (Usually a steep hillside and lots of trees, maybe a small creek) Then I try to imagine how I would feel and what my reaction would be if this actually happened, and I can't, so I think about something else.

*I can't pee in the dark without thinking about rats/spiders/whatever in the toilet, and being bitten in an awkwardly painful spot. The light stays on.

The Other Morning: A Story

There once was a woman who had a very small bladder. In the early mornings, she was often awakened by her bladder yelling at her to get up. Rather than get out of her nice warm bed for three minutes and then fall back asleep, the woman would lie there uncomfortably, alternating between sleep/half-sleep while thinking about getting up and peeing...but not actually doing it. (You want to yell at her, don't you? "Just get up dammit!")

Last week the woman caught a cold. She was congested and sneezy, coughing and fighting for breath, green snot was everywhere. Along with this illness came uncontrollable sneezing attacks, prone especially when the woman first awoke and was entering the bathroom. These attacks could go on for seven, eight sneezes at a time!

And so it happened. One morning, after an especially incommodious pre-dawn, the woman tiptoed out of the bedroom and into her bathroom. As the sneezing began, it was all she could do to grab for tissue as the warm streams filled her sweatpants.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Almost Another Year

Big J will be ten years of age soon. She's almost as tall as I am, and full of attitude. She can almost wear my shoes.
I let her wear eyeshadow for the first time yesterday. It was pink. We were going out as a family for a celabratory dinner for my father, and when we were getting ready she asked me if she could put it on. "A little!" she assured me.
The only "makeup" she is allowed to wear is lip gloss. I want her to know that one doesn't need to wear face paint in order to be beautiful, but society is teaching her that more is just enough. When shopping occasionally, I will see a young girl wearing (in my opinion) too much makeup, and I wonder what in the hell her mother is thinking.
I don't want to be that mother.
I go without makeup some days, and my daughter is aware that I don't have to "put my face on" in order to go do something.
What am I going to do when she asks to highlight her hair? Shave her legs? Go to the mall with a friend?!
I'm panicking now...I can see it all slipping out of control in just a few years...