Monday, April 24, 2006

Things That I can Do At Work

I can go to the bathroom whenever I want. I don't have to tell anyone what I am doing. Nope, I just get up and go. And then I come back. When I want.

I sit at a desk all day. No cold roll-up doors. No dirt.

I brought a blanket with me. I keep it in a desk drawer. When I get chilly, I take out the blanket and put it over my lap. Then, when I am warm, I put it back in the drawer.

My days start and end at exactly the same time. My breaks are also all at the same time.

I can check my email at work. Heck, I now have an actual work email address!

I will soon have my own work phone with my own work voicemail.

I get benefits. I get retirement.

Best of all? I have a nametag with my picture on it! And a security badge to open the locked door! It just gets better and better...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

My Epiphany

My last relationship wasn't so great. Hex did a lot for me. The bedroom activities were very nice. She tried to keep the house clean, she took care of the kids, cooked breakfast and dinner, made me lunch, she'd give me a backrub every night. In most ways, I had it made. I know what you're thinking, "How were things not so great?" I started thinking yesterday...about how controlling I was. Everything in my life has to be scheduled. I like order amongst the chaos.
I realized that throughout my relationship with Hex, I was very demanding about who she was. And Hex, having the emotional issues that she has, went along with it. I didn't like her smoking, so I bugged her until she stopped. I didn't like it when she wore boy's clothing, so I bugged her until she changed the way she looked. In my mind, I was helping her. But really what I was doing was trying to change her. I didn't like who she was, so I tried to change her into who I wanted her to be. Then we both just ended up not liking each other.
I have come to see some things a little more clearly lately. In order to fully love somebody, I have to love all parts of them. I can't just take the parts I like and then change the ones I don't like. Oh, and here's the kicker: Nobody will ever be perfect.
I was sitting here, making up lists of how I wanted my next love to be, what characteristics and traits I wanted her/him to have, until it hit me one is going to have all of these things. If I keep up the quest for The Perfect Someone, I am going to be disappointed. That Perfect Someone does not exist. And if by chance, there is someone who meets all of my specifications, who's to say that won't just piss me off after a while? How much fun can a perfect person be, anyways?
I have come to realize that I can love someone who is not perfect. Bad things happen to good people. So if I find somebody who doesn't own a car right now, or has bad credit, that is not going to ruin thier chances forever. After all, I've had to walk because I didn't have a car. I have bad credit, and I'm a good person. So he/she has a bad habit. Who doesn't??? I have lots of bad habits! I pee in the shower (mostly for convenience, really.) I am cluttered. I crunch ice. If someone tried to change me, I'd tell them to take a hike.
I will stop being so goshdarn picky. I will let the little things stop bothering me so much. And I will love the way love was meant to be, freely and without strings.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

We Are The Music Makers...

I am five. Damn, I'm cute. That's my half-naked brother standing behind me.

Hey, You.

Now who looks stupid? Actually, you look pretty hot. For a guy in a dress, that is.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I was talking to my youngest daughter on the phone tonight. At the end of our conversation, she said something that almost made me cry. She said, "Mommy, I love you so much, I could pee my pants."
Now that is love.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Wishing and Hoping. And Drinking

I found out what to do. I drink a lot. Well, not a lot. But enough to know that I think I don't wanna' drink anymore. And why don't I want to drink anymore? Aside from the bad tummy ache the next day?
I quit my job today. No, wait, it gets better!
I got a job today.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

What Do I Do Now?

My children are both with their dad in Oregon. For one week.
What do I do???!!!
This is new. I've never just not had both of my children around.
I can only clean so much. Because then it's clean, and there aren't any kids around to mess it up!
I'm at a loss...I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Friday, April 07, 2006

More Fish Chronicles

Stupid Goldilocks got trapped in the filter today. This is three times!! I am going to write a nasty/sad letter to the company of the fish-killing filter.
So the tank now holds Snowy Mountain III and Goldy.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Chronicles of Fish

March 27th: Fish shopping. Bought aquarium and two guppies (named Snowy Mountain and Goldilocks), pretty rocks, glow-in-the-dark plants, and a shark figurine.

March 31: Found guppyfish Snowy Mountain belonging to youngest daughter dead, sucked up against the filter. Sad tears, *flush* "all drains lead to the ocean"--forgot about PetCo's 15 day guarantee!! Back to the store, we purchase a more durable set of goldfish, a gold fantail and a black goggle-eye. Tank is now home to three fish; Goldilocks, Snowy Mountain the 2nd, and Goldy. (My children are very original.)

This morning: Snowy Mountain II, again belonging to youngest daughter, sucked up against filter. Crap! Luckily, children are at school. Remember 15 day policy, grab fish and water sample and head over to Petco. Blah blah bacteria here buy some of this blah, I exchange SM2 for Snowy Mountain the Third, and head home to deceive, ahem, I mean place the fish in its new home. Gosh, SM3 sure did grow a bit overnight...must be that yummy fish food.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tears Of A Clown

My friend K makes me listen to sad sad songs on the stereo. She says to me, "Well, if you don't want to be sad, then don't listen to them!"
But she doesn't realize that when she plays them in the living room, I can hear. Even if I cannot hear the words, I can hear the beat, so then I know what song it is, and I get sad.
Why do I get sad, do you ask?
Well, if you'd been reading this regularly, you'd know.
You'd know that I'm lonely for someone to want me. To think I'm beautiful. Someone to just want to be around me.
Or maybe you'd have to read between the lines to figure that out.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I have no one else to tell. I cry at night, every night. Every morning I wake up with a pounding headache and a stuffy nose from all the tears.
I cry when a sad song comes on the radio. I have decided that I'm going to buy waterproof mascara, because I'm so damn sick of being blinded, while driving, by my eye makeup running into my eyes.
I'm just so fucking lonely.
I will probably delete this in a day or two, because even to myself I sound pathetic. Pitiful.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

There Are Starving People In Your Town

Yesterday was food stamp day. Believe me, things are pretty tight at the end of the month, so I always rejoice on the first because I can buy food. Yay!
But they didn't come. Not there. Where are they? Dunno'. Damn the government. Damn them.

Bad Mom Award

What do you do when your daughter complains that her head itches? If you were a good mom, you would check her head. If you were a good mom, you would realize that your daughter only complains of having an itchy head when she has bugs on it!!!
Bad mom!! Bad! Didn't you learn your lesson last time?? Apparently not! Here, I'm writing it down for next time:
When she says her head itches, check it!!
Check it, dammit!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Do It Yourself!

What part of "Self Check-Out" do you not understand?
Which part??!!
Say it with me now....self. Self! SELF!!
This means 'by yourself' , people. I will help you if you don't understand, yes. Will I do it for you? Will I scan all your items myself at my little podium while other self-checkers look on enviously? No.
Do it yourself!