Tuesday, January 10, 2006

My Most Heartfelt Apology

I love you.
I love your blue blue eyes, and I'm sorry that I put so much sadness in them. I'm sorry that you cry.
Sometimes I say and do very stupid things. Everyone does, and even though it's hard for me to admit it, I'm as human as the next person.
I will stop depending on you so much. I will do more things for myself. I will pamper you a little, too. I will stop assuming that you are okay with me taking charge of everything.
I cleaned the litter boxes today for the first time in months. I cleaned the upstairs hallway, and the kitchen, and swept and scrubbed the floor.
I did my own laundry. I made you tea, not the generic kind. I paid our daughter to fold the clean laundry, because I really really hate to fold laundry.
I took out the garbage three times. I vacumed. I cried.
I will make dinner and clean on my days off. It was just so easy to let you do everything, and easier not to notice when we started growing apart.
I love how you look at me, and how my panties get damp when you stand next to me. Still. Every time.
I love how you take the children to the library and then forget to take the books back on time. I love your obsession with checking the mail in the afternoon. I love how you smell after your shower, and I love how you look when you're asleep.
I love how warm you are all the time, and how you let me put my cold hands against your skin, even though you don't like it.
I'll stop doing that too.
I love how you laugh when you watch Malcolm in the Middle, and I love how you get so worked up when you watch Cops.
I love that you take a shower every day before I get home from work so you'll smell nice. I hate how you critique the clothes I try on, but I love you for your honesty.
I love how you hate cell phones, and I love how you sing random lines from Ani songs at any given moment.
I love how you love me, and how you care about me and my children.
I don't want to do this without you. Not because I couldn't, because I could. But it would be so hard. Not the cleaning or cooking or everyday things...but the being without you part. I would miss telling you about my day and the shitty customers. I would miss hearing about your day and the wacky things the kids did. I would miss your smile and your laughter. I would miss how you scream when I tickle you. I would miss the touch of your skin and the way you tell me that you love me. I would miss my best friend.
I would miss us.

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