Monday, August 28, 2006

Medical Degree from a Box of Cracker Jacks

I went to the doctor the other day. I had these little itchy bumps on my side. (Four of them, to be exact.) You could barely see them. Tiny as they were, these little bumps itched like a muthafucka'. No other way to say it. Itched and itched painfully. Do you see how I have emphasized that? Times that by ten thousand and you have my painful itching bumps that you cannot see. Imagine wanting to stab a fork (or some other sharp object) into your skin, just to stop the itchy pain. Some of you have seen me in awkward situations before...I'll just say, this was bad.
Like I was saying, I went to the doctor. I wanted the pain and the itching to stop. I really didn't care what it was. My mom thought it was scabies. My mother perpetually thinks everyone has scabies though, so no matter. I had already had a staph infection on my hip that ate a hole the size of a quarter in my flesh, so I knew what that was. (Half the town has had staph. Maybe more.)
On with the story! I was at the doctor's office. I had to point out the bumps to him. He sat back on his little stool and looked at me. Then he started in with this story about some woman he sees who thought she had some disease and then she had something else, he's blathering on about absolutely nothing that I can tell, and then he switches gears and says, "I don't know what it is."
Thank you for your esteemed medical opinion. I told him, "I don't care what it is. Make it stop. Please, for the love of all that is holymakeitstop!!!!" My voice is pretty shrieky at the end of this sentence. You can picture it...I'm scratching like freakin' monkey at the zoo, but the itching hurts so I'm kind of bent over and holding my side. There might have been some tears.
He prescribes me some pills called Vistaril. First they make me feel doped up. Then they make me pass out. I itch in my sleep. He gave me some cream for scabies. I had to rub it all over me and then sleep with it on. It made the bumps burn. I was on fire. And it did not work.
I know you're asking now. "What did you do, Brokemom?"
I took pills all weekend. And by today, the painful itching was tolerable. Still hurts. Still itchy.

No comments: