Sunday, January 21, 2007

Please Step Away From The Kitchen

It has recently come to my attention that I am a deplorable cook. It's not that I thought I was a great cook, heck, even a good cook. It was when Little J wouldn't eat Ramen noodles because they tasted "like yucky pickles", that I started to wonder...
There was the infamous Pork Chops evening. It started out well, and smelled delicious, if not a little lime-y. When it came to actually eating it for dinner, jeez, I don't even want to go was gross. I put one bite in my mouth and promptly spit it out. I didn't even aim for the trash or a napkin, it needed to be out of my mouth right then. After spitting it out of his mouth, my fiance remarked on what a "strong citrus flavor" it had. My aversion to anything lime-flavored continues to this day. I smell limes and I gag on the inside. Okay, and sometimes on the outside.
Just last night was Mac and Cheese night! How can you screw up mac and cheese, you ask? It's very simple. Just make sure you let the noodles burn slightly in the pot before you drain them. That's it. I just gave up after that and called for pizza.
Big J has had to learn to make Ramen herself, out of necessity. Little J loves ramen noodles, which is fantastic, because they're like, what, ten cents a package? Apparently there's a certain way to make them that I haven't figured out. Boil water, check. Dump in noodles, check. Noodles get soft, add seasoning, yadda yadda. What the fuck is the problem?! Do I not boil correctly? It's freakin' Top Ramen for fucks sake! See, I get all agitated and start spewing curse words when faced with my inabilty to prepare noodles for a five-year-old!!
I can remember as a child "experimenting" in the kitchen. I would take a little of this and a little of that, and think I prepared something absolutely scrumptious. Who doesn't like beer muffins? Cookies made without flour? And my particular favorite...rock soup. The dog wouldn't eat it, any of it. He backed away, whining, from everything. Dumb dog!
Are there cooking classes for kitchen-challenged women? I should have known there was a problem when my Home-Ec teacher gently suggested woodshop...

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