The Saga Continues

Every time I think of the words that I need to write, I clam up. I lose them completely. It has been that way for a long time now, months even. So I will sit here and type whatever comes from my brain until I get it once again; until I can put it down and out there and be better for having it out and not in my head.

Another Sunday morning. Yesterday was Another Saturday morning. Same place. Same people. Same grumpy man yelling about how he never gets any sleep (toddler time) and how he hates me and wants to leave and disappear with his son (who turns two soon!) and how I'm lazy (still working full-time with less benefits yup!) and then today it was he would rather be with his ex-wife than me (the evil woman who stole his children reported to me through email of his previous verbal-abuse!) and other blah blah blah while telling me that I'm being a bitch and treating him like shit.

I'll cut to the good stuff, when the kids were gone. I am leaving to go to the store (I'm the only one who has a driver license so i do all the everything!) and when I step down the stairs, I notice his shoes on the second step. The steps are the creepy ones i thought as a child i would fall! with no back to them? ...? Go on and tell me you wouldn't do the same! I kick his shoes backwards to the ground (just to be a bitch go me!) and then he kicks me in the ribs.

What. The. Fuck. Seriously? Motherfucker just kicked me???? So I slowly straighten up and walk to the car. I get in and lock the door. I had time to do this because i kicked his shoes to the ground go me! I call the men in blue later and file a report.

Even though they let him out, I got to see him sit in the back of a squad car for a few minutes. That was pretty nice. The officer told me that my "husband seemed shaken up a bit" and then told me Husband reported that he "accidently stepped on" me. Husband had mentioned this to me earlier as well, after seeing me dial nine one and one.

What the Fuck EVEN MORE! First the asshole has the audacity to kick while my back was turned but then he doesn't even have the balls to admit he did it on purpose! If I had any respect for the man left, it would be lowered by this.

Whatever. I'm going to watch mindless tv so that I won't think about tomorrow, won't think about how my ribs hurt on one side, and i have to get up early and how my sweet baby boy is going to grow up learning that this is how you treat women and I'm not ok with that.

What Comes After Happily Ever After?

It was never mentioned in school or health class. My parents never mentioned it. The stories end with it, but....that's it. Happily Ever After. What comes next? That's not the end.

I thought I'd found the one man I wanted to spend my life with, raise my children with, grow old with...but honestly, I can't stand him most of the time. When things are good, they are good. He smells nice, he's clean, he cooks dinner, he helps around the house. The sex is good.

When things are bad though....they are bad. He has a temper-control problem and cannot handle his emotions when angry. He's never smacked me around, but that doesn't mean he's not abusive, because he can be. Emotionally abusive, verbally abusive...and yeah, on two occasions it has been physical. Each time afterwards he is sorry (of course) and we talk, and he resolves to "do better" and "be in control". When he's out of nicotine? Oh, better run, because the emotions coming from him are palpable...you can almost feel the anger from him.

There's always a next time. I never thought I'd be "one of those women". I took a class and was certified as a Domestic Violence outreach educator fercryinoutloud! I was not supposed to be one of those women.

But I guess I am.

Every Saturday morning he wakes up grumpy. Every Saturday morning he wakes up yelling and screaming "fuck" into his pillow. Imagine a three-year-old with a severe potty-mouth throwing a tantrum. That is my husband. Why is he so grumpy, you ask? Because it is 8am (sometimes 7:30am) and he "doesn't get any sleep". I see your confusion, let me explain. Because we live in a teeny tiny space, when the Toddler-Monster wakes up, so does everyone. And my husband apparently thinks that toddlers sleep until....9am? 10am? I'm not sure, because when I ask him what time he thinks is a good time to awaken, I get yelled at.

This morning was the same. It was 8:30am. I am elated, because I never get to sleep past 7am. Never. 8:30am was blissful heaven angels singing time. Not for long. The yelling started. Then the bad words started. He mentions he would like to get some sleep. (Ten hours isn't enough apparently). I told him that I would like to have this discussion "later, when the children aren't around". He flips a lid and he starts asking me what we need to talk about. I repeat that we can talk about it later. I am calm. I am not snotty, I am not a bitch. I have my son in my lap, we are constructing a Lego castle. My husband freaks and takes our son into his arms, yelling at me that we don't need to talk later, we can talk now and godammit what do we have to talk about that we can't talk about right this very second in front of the kids. I ask him to walk away, because he is not in control. He is getting up in my face, asking why can't we talk now. I try to explain that this is what I wanted to avoid, arguing in front of the kids, but now we are arguing about arguing...in front of the kids.

I can see my life without him. It is calm, no emotional upheavals and no nicotine addiction leading my emotions. There is blessed quiet. My daughter doesn't cry anymore over the arguing. My son doesn't hear his dad start yelling and squish over inch by inch until he is in my lap looking at me with wide eyes. The mornings are relaxing, coffee and some tv and some cleaning.

I can see my lonely nights of sleeping alone. I can see getting someone else to take the time to fix a broken something. Meals are one me, and I see nights of Ramen and burned rice-a-roni and tacos (the only thing I can make that's edible). I can see 50/50 custody and split holidays and missing my son like crazy when it's not my turn to be with him. I see daycare and less money and more to do.

Is marriage this difficult? I was never told that it takes work, that it's difficult, that sometimes you have to grit your teeth and smile when you don't feel like it. How do I know what is "normal" and what isn't?

If this is my happily ever after, I want a refund.

My Husband Smells

It's true, he does! Just not in a bad way.

No one else can smell it. When I first met him, I smelled it. He showed me his room, and the entire place smelled. I thought it was cologne or air freshener.

His clothes smelled of it, as did his pillow. It took me a few months to realize it was him. Not air freshener, not laundry soap, but him. It comes from him, from his pores...I stand next to him and just breath in because it smells like nothing I've ever smelled before. I stand in front of his side of the closet and smell his clothes. This smell smells GOOD. I mean, GOOD. Like, I want to bottle it up and sit there like a junkie and just sniff it.

It doesn't smell like anything I can describe. There's not a scent I can compare it to. It's just a delicious yummy smell that smells so DAMN GOOD that it makes me want to rip my clothes off and maul him. I know it must be some pheremone thing or whatnot, because I am more sensitive to it when I'm ovulating. It affects me more then, but it smells good all the time.

I lay awake in the morning and burrow my face close to him and just ....ahhhhh....breathe in. I will stand close to him in the kitchen and just breathe in. I will take a nap and lay my face down in his pillow and just breathe in.

I've never smelled anyone else before like this. I've never reacted so strongly to SMELL BEFORE. Certainly not the smell of a person! Sometimes I think I must be off my rocker....and then I go smell some more. That's me over there, in the corner? I'm holding on to that t-shirt and sniffing it?

Ahhhhh........

More For Me

I am really enjoying Trailer Life. I didn't know how it would be, how I would become accustomed to living there...but I am having the time of my life. I should have listened to Husband and done it sooner. (Don't tell him that though, I would never hear the end of it)

Yes, it's small, but that makes it easier to clean. Yes, I don't have a dryer, but I found myself enjoying the laundry I was hanging to dry this morning. I was humming. It's great exercise, and I certainly seem thinner to my clothes, so something I am doing is working!

I like that Husband and I work together on tasks, be it cooking dinner (I'm just the helper) or building the deck (again, just a helper). We are both making an effort to actively work on our marriage and not just shut down when things get tough.

We are making an effort to save money, pay bills on time, and will eventually be able to pay some of the waaaaaaaay past-due child support he owes his other kids. His ex-wife would, rather than come to an agreement we can afford, get absolutely nothing at all, but that is a story for another time.

My children will be better off with this life, my marriage is better, my self is better. I don't feel the need to question if I should start my anti-depressants again because I know I am ok. That's all I need....to be okay.

Whew!

Moving done! Cleaning done! Saving the money I *don't* need to pay rent? Uh....not saving really. More like spending. I love to indulge myself and my children, and why not? It's been so long since we were able to do that.

Loving my "little house". I am not really a cleaning type of woman (Husband does most of that), but I might be able to get into it somehow since there's not much space to get dirty!

I should have done this a long time ago. In two years we will have the money saved to build a Real House. That is, if I don't spend it all on new shoes...

A Quick Moment

Okay, so moving is SHIT. I HATE moving. I have also figured out that I am completely fucking psychotic and never throw anything away. Those do not go hand-in-hand. They are completely seperate problems, one of which I can fix. Guess which one?

A Very Important Part of Me

Part of me is very stubborn. Okay, quite a bit of me in fact. That same part of me also happens to very resistant to a change of routine. Not, to say, the routine of a normal day where breakfast is at 8 and the floors are scrubbed every Saturday, sex is at 10:45 Thursday evenings and Friday night it's Potroast Night. Always.

That kind of routine is not my thing. No no no. My routines are paying the bills every month at the same time and not balancing my checkbook (this works out better than you'd think), always take time for Messy when he hands me a book, keep the same boxes of crap around whatever garage I happen to be renting for years because I can't get rid of it (change! oh no!), and moving on when I am all done in a situation.

My Very Important Part is screaming inside because I am about to let go of my life as I know it and embark on something new and different. I made a permanant decision that affects my life, my children's and my husband's lives. Wait that looks like i have more than one husband doesn't it? Only one, I'm not in Utah.

After discussing it for quite some time, my husband and I reached an agreement. It was really me who agreed, he has been on board forever. We agreed to purchase a fifth wheel trailer to live in, on some property I own. Yes, all of us. All five. Upon agreeing on that aspect of it, we proceeded to purchase said fifth wheel in a 2009 edition that has all sorts of bells and whistles and contraptions that we will have to learn together, Internet and myself. After we did that, we had fifth wheel delivered and now we are scrambling for boxes in which to store EVERYTHING FROM MY WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIT THAT MUCH LIFE IN A TRAILER! It only sleeps 8 (little people i think) so there is no room for anything else.

That is where we are right now. My Very Important Part is freaking, because I can't back out. I have trailer payments which happen to be 1/3 of my current rent, which sums up the main motivation of my move: money.

C'mere and I'll Tell You a Secret

That geeky looking guy on the Verizon network commericals? I totally have a crush on him.

The Cheese Stands Alone

Dear Internet,

I am in love with you, I am...but there's someone else right now. I am having an affair with Farm Town on Facebook. I know, I know what you are thinking, and you're wrong I tell you, wrong! I'll get bored of the mindless click-click of plowing and planting and harvesting. One day, I'll be back.

Love,
brokemom (who is really a broke mom with mounting pressure to shit-or-get-off-the-pot in a vicious circle of catch-22 fuckmylife situations while she ignores it by scwelching it with farmtown flava' and talking about herself in the third person)

P.S. FarmTown gives better head than you.

Last Day of School

J1 just graduated sixth grade. (With a straight 'C' average even! I blame the cell phone which has been confiscated for the summer!) I asked her about how her day had been.


She replied, "We were supposed to have 'Fun In the Sun' Day. Instead, we had 'Do Whatever You Want Because We Don't Care' Day."

Sounds like another great year is over and done with!

Sunday Quickie

The Bellagio Fountains were the most beautiful thing in Vegas. I love classical music, I love water, so combine the two together and I had tears rolling down my face. Just a few...very embarassing.

I'll bet you read this thinking I was gonna be dirty.

Pass The Pepah'. The Cayenne Pepah'?

I heard on the radio today that the average American household spends $140 on toilet paper a year. $140. That doesn't really surprise me, it seems like a good figure.

I spend about $10 a month on toilet paper. I buy the cheap brand, but believe you me, I get irritated at having to pay that $10. It used to be cheaper. Dammit.
So we know that $10 a month for a year is $120. And you know those two extra months out of the year when you get an "extra" biweekly paycheck? Like that. One must have to buy an extra package of paper. Easy, $140.

I'm driving home from work thinking to myself after hearing this on the radio. i could do that all in one swoop I think. $140 is not that much at a time for a whole year of shopping! I would never have to worry about running out again. Why hadn't I thought of this before?!

I share my news with Husband, what a great plan! He brings me back to reality with thoughtless questions such as:

"How are you going to get all of that toilet paper home?"

and

"Where are you going to keep all of it?"

Hmm..... I buy 24 roll packs. (Packs? Packs of toilet paper? Packages? Units?) They are pretty cumbersome.

Dammit. The toilet pepah'.

J2 Was Singing and I Wrote It Down

Ok, while you're reading this you must kind of hum the words along to a tune...but what tune? That wasn't really reflected in the song to me either, so just kind of hum any ol' thing that's not too busy. Think three or four different notes.

"Deep down...where I found your schooooool..
and where you make room for yoooouuuuuu...
In your house I find your poooool,
In your pool I find yoooouuuu...
You ask me if I want to come innnnnn
I say no but I would if I could
and you ask me whyyyyy
and I say because my mom doesn't let me go into poooools...
You say 'why not just this once?' and I say noooo
because I don't want to disapoint my mooooooom...."

I Take Pictures Of Bathrooms, Part II

I am intoxicated after a long night/morning of Vegas. Here is the hotel bathroom. ...don't judge me. I am not a drinker.







The lady in the middle is innocent. She just happened to sit in between Crazy One and Crazy Two while on the bus. Crazy One looks thrilled that Innocent is there. Crazy Two keeps fishing things out of her bag and saying things like. "Welcome to Las Vegas, plant a tree, duh! Over and out!" and "It was hash I tell you". The people-watching was the best part of Vegas.

We are on the top of a doubledecker bus called The Deuce. Here's the picture, I proved it. I take dumb pictures of stupid shit when I'm drinking, apparently.

The buffet had a Dessert area. I have been on a strict calorie diet since January. I took one bite of each dessert. The creme brulee was the best. I might have had five bites of the creme brulee, come to think of it.

The Other Bar. The Second Night. Those bottles were gone.

I Went To Vegas And All You Got Were Photos, Part I

We walked a lot in Vegas. A lot. Here are my feet, at some mall in some hotel.








This is the bathroom in the Bellagio Hotel.

The view from the Stratosphere Tower. I went on the rides on the top and didn't poop my pants.

This was an ugly bathroom. I didn't even get all of the ugliness. I was worried about taking pictures in the bathroom. I didn't want to be the strange woman photographing the toilet fixtures.

The Bar for Husband. Ghetto Fabulous.

Just As Things Were Calming Down...

This last year has been difficult, to say the least.

It has been a year since we moved in to our place. One dent in the wall, one broken window-blind, and some spray paint on the garage floor, all done within the last month. Pretty good for us, actually. I expected holes in the walls long before now.

Messy turns a year old at the end of the month. He has grown from a teeny-tiny (six lbs!) baby into a 25lb walking talking destroying almost-toddler. Learning to be parents together was difficult for Husband and I. We have been together for three years and are just now "figuring things out". We still yell and argue, but we know that it won't be absolutely detrimental to our relationship to slam some doors and talk some trash. We have grown closer as we coparent our son together.

J1 has a cell phone. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal or something to write about, but I was very very against it at first...until I really needed to get ahold of her one day and I couldn't. So I let her call up her dad and turn on the charm...and voila! Cell phone that mom doesn't have to pay for. Even better!

J2 has been on meds for ADD. I have waaaaaaaaaaay mixed feeling about giving my child prescription drugs for something like this. I was very very against it. (Wow, I seem to be against a lot of things, huh?) She was not doing well in school, and trying to have a conversation with her and answer the same question over and over again was affecting our everyday lives, my marriage, her social life...so I filled the prescription. I started her on Ritalin. I watched and waited and had the teacher fill out assessments each week on different doses. Guess what happened? She did better in school. She could concentrate. She could focus and sit in her chair and not blurt out things in class. She still says embarassing things while at the grocery store, but it' s not at the top of her lungs anymore. I don't give her the meds on weekends, because, well, I HATE giving my child drugs, hate it hate it hate it. She doesn't have to sit still on a weekend, so I let her be herself, and wonder if she can tell the difference inside when she's not on Ritalin.

Stepson arrived on a train last night to live with us (again). It has been almost a year since he left us from living with us the first time. He is almost 18, and got into some felony trouble back home. He has no motivation and no direction and no high school diploma, but he is a good kid. He just had a shitty mother and stepdad.

Me? I'm the same. I will continue to be the same when I turn thirty years old on the 17th of this month. A little thinner, a lot more exhausted, and some investments in really good skin cream will ensure that my 30th birthday will be nothing special. I don't want to end my twenties, I don't. I am spending my birthday in Vegas with no children. Do you know what I am going to do when I get off the plane in Vegas? I am going to arrive at the hotel and I am going to take a nap. Yes, a nap. And you know what? It's going to be a damn good nap.

Dear Breakfast

Dear Breakfast,

I'm glad you dropped in for a bite to eat. I was bored and lonely, having just woken up from a nice long nap. I attended to my wardrobe and decided to enjoy your company for a bit. It was sometime in my slither toward you in which I realized my true feelings for you. You're pink and white with beady eyes. You have a tail. You are soft and warm and I love you. I'm hoping you feel the same way about what happened as I do. How about you stay over for a few days? Then one night, I'll prepare dinner...

Love,

Copper The Snake

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

I don't write anymore. I don't have any time to write.

I have a 12yo girl who thinks she's waaaaaay older than she actually is. I am hurt at the snotiness sometimes. I almost told her to stop being a bitch one day, can you believe that? I don't talk to my children that way ever, but I came so close. Did I treat my mom this way? Because if so, Mom, I am SORRY. A big truckful of sorry. The time you made me vacuum (sidenote: how does one spell vacuum? Vacume?) the same piece of carpet over and over until it was clean? I understand. I do! When you threw a basket of rocks at me? Okay, that one was fucked up. But holy mackeral is this teenager shit getting old.

My 7yo daughter is a middle child and now you can tell. We are getting her evaluated for ADD and are trying medications. THAT is another tale completely.

The 9mo little boy is the light of my freakin life, I tell you what. I cry at least once a week because he is growing up. I don't know if it's because my tubes are tied and I'll never bear another child, but I want to STOP TIME and just put the past 9 months on rewind/play so I can savor it. Every day I want to just slow down. He's walking now. He's climbing. He gets into everything. He has a personality and gets pissed off when he can't have something he wants, showing his displeasure by screeching at you.

I have a husband who I love, I do. But oh my freakin god can he piss. me. off. Like I've never known pissed off to be. He's the only man who's ever curled my toes and made my heart do that flippy-floppy thing though....and he cooks dinner. So I keep him for now.

I am annoyed to no end at work. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for another, but I work in a building full of bitchy backstabbing women who like to gossip and it irritates the living shit out of me. I put on my ipod and try to drown the world around welfare out, but it doesn't last long.

So I'm sorry Internet, for not being around more. I'm a crappy friend, I know. I don't call, I don't write. I read your diary when you're out. I'm sorry.

Make Up Your Mind

There's a coworker of mine who bugs the everlovin' shit outta' me. She drives me batty. Her laugh even annoys me. You know how sometimes there are just people who rub you the wrong way? She's that person. I've talked about her before, she's the one who doesn't "do" birthdays.

She won't sign the birthday card or chip in for a gift, but she'll attend the birthday lunch.
She apparently also doesn't do potlucks! Guess what? She won't bring a dish, but she'll sure as hell eat at the potluck!

Maybe she can't afford to bring a dish, you say? I can't afford to bring a dish, but I say so. I am not ashamed to say, "Sorry, not this time, no money." And if I don't contribute then I don't eat it, it's that simple.

Economy Woes

The welfare office is biiiiiiizzzzzzzzzeeeeeeee. Nothin' like a recession for job security, right?