Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Trust and Other Issues

I was a control freak the past few years. I'll admit it. Sometimes, I'm sure I seemed quite psychotic. But I figured out that I was controlling because I didn't trust the person in my life. I tried to control everything Hex did because there was absolutely no trust in the relationship.
She lied to me, repeatedly, every day. She stole from me; money, jewelry, my self-respect. She cheated on me with my ex-husband. (Probably more than once with multiple people, but we'll leave that alone...) I didn't trust her, so I tried to control every little thing that I could so I'd feel like I was in charge of my life. But I wasn't.
Being in a relationship with another person has opened my eyes to a lot of different things I didn't see before. I thought I was just a controlling person. But I see now, that's not the case. I am perfectly happy not being in control, as long as I have trust. It is a glorious feeling to have unconditional trust in someone. I don't worry about my boyfriend (eek, I called him my boyfriend!) going out, because I know he'll be doing exactly what he said he would be doing. He comes home when he says he will, and if he's going to be late, he calls. If he says he'll "take care of it", whatever it might be, I know he will. I know he loves me, so I'm not worried when I have a "low self-esteem" day. He's there to hug me and tell me it will be better. And you know something? I believe him. How nice to have faith in someone again...

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